My obsession with large breasts started when my step mother came into my life. My own mother has always been flat chested, with the exception of during pregnancy and post natal breast feeding, so my stepmother's impossibly large chest fascinated me. As a very young lamb of 5 or 6 it had a huge impact on me and i automatically assumed that, post puberty, I would grow into a woman with large breasts and very long, slender legs (oh the woes of not being able to look like those women in black skinny jeans). It hadn't occurred to my juvenile brain that the female body comes in all shapes and sizes, with the probability of me developing these traits being very very slim.
I hit puberty a little later than my friends and remember vividly a best friend giving me an old training bra of hers when i was 11, it didn't fit. But I wore it anyway. That year my stepmother also bought me a double A bra in an adorable pink satin with rhinestones, it gaped on my flat chest. But I wore it anyway. In fact until I was 16 my chest barely grew at all, its efforts falling short of a full A cup but I continued to delude myself that there was still time, one day i'd have a growth spurt.
figure 1
By the time I attended college all, and I mean ALL, my friends had developed massive boobs, i kid you not. I decided enough was enough and bought myself the biggest padded bra, off ebay, from Korea (see figure 1). Not content with the lift it gave my chest (what was there to lift?) i removed the padding from numerous other bras and sewed it in. By the time I was 17 I was wearing at least 4 inches of padding every day, and still miserable. On nights out i'd even safety pin the cups together and halter neck the straps for maximum lift. I felt like a little girl, I saw the complete lack of male interest in me as proof that I was a defected product. Everywhere I looked, be it friends, social networks, magazines, I saw women with big breasts being idolised. It ruined my self confidence. My mother, having zero self confidence herself, was completely unequipped to help me deal with coming to terms with growing into a body I did not want and so I shut her out of my life and neglected to tell her anything, it completely drove us apart. During all of this my chest became fully formed, it was still very small, but more feminine and proportional to the rest of my body, unfortunately i was too deluded to notice.
It took me until 4 months before my 19th birthday to wake up one day and not give a damn. That's over 7 years and and it may have genuinely been the time it takes to learn to live with such a trivial issue but also could be attributed to me having gained and lost my first boyfriend who never even cared what size my chest was. Hurrah, i'd cracked it, that hidden truth that boobs aren't everything a man looks for and don't make you any less of a woman. I immediately went out and bought a bra that actually fit me, without any padding and got on with my life. In the time since, i've spoken openly about my body issues with friends and family and discovered (yes it took me this long) that big boobs come with their own problems too. Like most women i've spent my teenage years worrying about something I wish I hadn't. Some days I still long for big breasts but then I look at my ever growing collection of delicate little bras and bralets and that feeling goes away.
p.s. I'm not perfect, i will forever want those long legs i have been denied!
